if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
PANTIES FOUND
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