I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
