my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
