there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
