Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
