i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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