Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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