OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
