I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
