So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
