Well apparently he's into motor boating.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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