oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Randomize
