apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
