My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
