He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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