rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
