There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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