Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
