The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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