Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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