Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
