i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
