So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
