Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
