saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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