Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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