they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
