do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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