I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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