I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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