drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
