He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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