Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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