if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
