Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
