My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
