I could make wine with my vomit
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
