I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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