Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
NoShamevember. You game?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
