woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
