Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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