Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
