I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
