i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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