Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
