I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
