just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
