My liver just broke up with me...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
