I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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