i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
