Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
